Try and Make Me!: A Revolutionary Program for Raising Your Defiant Child - Without Losing Your Cool - Couverture rigide

Part 1

Why Did Our House Turn Into a War Zone?

Okay. Maybe your home or classroom isn't technically a war zone. But you have to admit that it feels that way sometimes, doesn't it? When your child puts his beans in his ears at the dinner table . . . when your student superglues every computer mouse in your classroom to a desk . . . when your kid just won't listen and keeps acting up, he is disrupting the peace. And that, by definition, is a war.

This first part will give you some insight into why your child puts his hands on his hips, smirks at you, and says, "Try and make me!" Once you have a clear understanding of why he is the way he is, you'll be better equipped to do battle and reclaim some of the peace that's been missing in your life.

Chapter 1

Winning the Brat War

We May Have to Lie in the Beds We Make, but That Doesn't Mean That We Can't Change the Sheets

Eric Cranberry was turning his mother's hair a premature gray.

Each morning, she would gently rub his head and sweetly urge him to get out of bed. Eric's response? "Leave me alone! Get out of my room." Or he'd grunt to let her know that she wasn't wanted.

A weary Mrs. Cranberry would exit her son's room and dejectedly walk downstairs to the kitchen, hoping that somehow Eric would rouse himself and get ready for school.

It seemed like years since Eric had behaved like a rational youngster. Instead, every word from his lips now seemed designed to tear his mother up, and Mrs. Cranberry was running out of the will to deal with his rotten attitude. Somehow, though, she still managed to put on a cheery face 5 minutes later when she returned to his bedroom and tried to prod the second grader out of bed again.

Eric finally got out of bed, but the morning ritual resumed when he found his way to the breakfast table, looked at what was on his plate, and uttered his familiar demand: "I don't want eggs. Give me Captain Crunch!" Rather than escalate the battle, Mrs. Cranberry quietly caved in so that her son would hurry up and get ready for school. She sighed as she poured the kiddie cereal, and she sighed again minutes later when he sat at the edge of his bed, hands folded, unwilling to put on the clothes they'd picked out together the night before.

Sweet Mrs. Cranberry tried coaxing him into dressing. She pulled his shirt over his head when he refused to do it himself, then patiently tied his shoes when he balked at that too. Then, she combed the tangled web of hair on his head so he wouldn't look ridiculous and drove him to school.

After battles like this, she always needed several cups of soothing herbal tea and an hour of silence to recover.

Finally, she decided that she had to change the situation, so she made an appointment with a psychologist--which is how Ray Levy met her. Every day was a nightmare, she explained to Ray, and she begged for some solution. For his part, Eric sat on the other side of the office, doing his best to act bored. Midway through the first session, he unloaded with "This is stupid!"

Observing what a little terror the Cranberrys had on their hands, Ray suggested that Mrs. Cranberry drop in for a visit the next day while young Eric was occupied at school.

Ray and Mrs. Cranberry mapped out a plan during that next session--a plan aimed at motivating Eric by holding him accountable for his behavior. Mrs. Cranberry was reluctant to try the strategy at first, out of fear that her son might end up missing breakfast, which she'd heard is the most important meal of the day. Ray assured her that Eric would live, and do fine in school, even if he missed a meal. Reassured, Mrs. Cranberry put the plan in motion.

That night, Eric was momentarily caught off guard when his mother handed him an alarm clock and rattled off the new expectations.

"So you just need to set the alarm right here for whatever time you want to get up," Mrs. Cranberry explained. "Breakfast will be served between 7:00 and 7:20, and my car leaves the house at 7:40." With that, she left the room and took a deep breath, hoping for the best.

At 7:20 the next morning, Mrs. Cranberry sat alone in the kitchen. It was all she could do to sit still and not wake her young son. Minutes crept by until, finally, at 7:30, the youngster came down the stairs demanding, "I want my breakfast! Why didn't you wake me up?"

Mrs. Cranberry managed to say, "Breakfast was only from 7:00 until 7:20. It's too late now. Better hurry, though, because my car leaves in 10 minutes."

Of course, 7:40 came and went with Eric sitting defiantly in the same position at the breakfast table. Mrs. Cranberry inhaled deeply again and escorted her boy toward the garage (still in his Ninja Turtle pajama bottoms). Picking up a bag of clothes she'd packed the night before, she loaded Eric and all the baggage into her car.

Once inside the car, Eric hopped into the backseat. As Mom drove the two blocks to school, he kicked the back of her seat incessantly. She didn't complain; she just drove while bouncing back and forth with her son's kicks.

When they arrived at school, Eric bellowed, "I'm not going to school like this; try and make me!" And with that, a game of cat-and-mouse ensued. Mrs. Cranberry would open one back door and try to get Eric, but he'd back away. She'd then run to the other side of the car, open a door there, and Eric would elude her again. Finally, after 5 minutes of this, Mom buckled and drove the boy home to let him dress.

Angry, she called Ray to say that she was ready for a refund--the plan had failed miserably.

Ray wasn't ready to give in just yet, though. He made a phone call to the principal at Eric Cranberry's elementary school and asked for a little cooperation. He then called Mrs. Cranberry back and told her to give the plan one more try the next morning--and this time, she was to honk her horn if Eric refused to get out of the car.

The next day, the same routine unfolded, all the way up to Eric kicking his mother's seat on the ride to school. When they pulled up to the school and his mother told him that it was time to get out, Eric again piped up, "Try and make me!"

Rather than playing his little game, Mom Cranberry replied, "I don't have to." Instead, she lay on her horn.

Eric's eyes grew wide as his principal, Mr. Gathright, made his way from the front office to Mom's Nissan.

"Hello, Eric," Mr. Gathright said as he opened the back door. "Come with me."

Defenseless with fright, Eric waddled into school, clad only in his Ninja Turtle pajama britches and carrying the grocery bag of clothes. About to enter school, his second-grade friends watched and pointed. "That's not fair!" were the last words that Mom heard out of Eric's mouth as he headed into school.

Mr. Gathright called Ray later that morning to say that he'd never seen a youngster dress so quickly.

In the weeks, months, and years that followed, Eric caused other problems and got into other trouble. But the ruckus he stirred up never rivaled that battle of going to school his second-grade year.

Never, Ever Give Up

In that brief, 2-day episode, Mrs. Cranberry was able to use several of the principles from this book to put an end to the behavior that had been driving her senseless for almost 2 years. The actual methods that Mrs. Cranberry used will be explained in detail in the chapters that follow. But for now, the most important thing to remember from the Cranberry case is this: Never, ever give up on changing your strong-willed child's behavior.

No matter how miserable your child makes your life, no matter how hopeless your situation may seem on any given day, you can make a dramatic change in his attitude if you hang in there and apply the advice in this book. You may not see the immediate change that Mrs. Cranberry did, but don't be discouraged. The wonderful thing about working with kids who keep misbehaving is that you always get a second chance if things don't work out the first time.

It would have been easy for Mrs. Cranberry to accept defeat after she failed to get Eric out of the car that first day. She could have home- schooled him or moved him to a private school, or just lived with his rotten attitude. But the problem would still have been there. Instead, Mrs. Cranberry stuck with it for her son's sake and for her own sake. She used her second chance to do something different. And it paid off.

Bill O'Hanlon is a licensed Mental Health Professional, Certified Professional Counselor, and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. His 21 books have been translated into 15 languages. The author of Do One Thing Different and Love Is a Verb, O'Hanlon has appeared on "Oprah" and the "Today Show," has created nine audio and video tapes on individual and couples therapy, and has taught nearly a thousand seminars worldwide on psychotherapy, spirituality, and relationships.